Relationships in Autism

Relationships

I met my Wife Angela in 2003, and we discussed quickly about having children. I knew I wanted a child with her, and I did not think that there was any point in waiting, specially because personally, I was was going to hit 30 in a year and I didn’t want to be a father of a child in my 50’s.

It has not worked out the way I thought it would. The timetable I had going in my head, By the time I would be 48 years old, Dodger would be 18 yrs old, would be working, have lovely friends, going away on holidays, looking forward to her future. I am now 50, my little girl is 19 , and she is completely dependent on my Wife and I, and will be for the rest of our lives.

The strain that this puts on our relationship is very hard. Unlike other parents of our age/children of Dodgers age, it will never just be us getting to be that couple again, reconnecting. There are no times to bond, go away, get new interests etc., have a relationship that is just us, a couple. No one goes out because you know the other will be left in to deal with the care on their own. Do we take each other for granted, yes. We know the other would not leave, we know Dodgers life is completely dependent on us and what we bring.

The separation % for couples who have a child with Autism/other severe disabilities is very high. This happens because it does become unbearable, challenging, demanding. Frustrations brewing constantly with the situation, not being in control, not able to find a balance, always on edge, always on call. And of course,some people are just arseholes, and do not think of anyone else but themselves.

Maintaining friendships, is definitely hard, especially with others who are not in the same position. Even if they only want to meet up every now and again for a drink etc., that is still hard to do. Of course it is easier for women because they can be more open with their feelings etc., and are not bound by the pressures of masculinity.

I don’t have friends, yes, of course I wish I did but with everything that goes on at home, , I haven’t the energy, and because it has been such a long time ago that I had friends, it does make me very anxious , so if I was to go to something like a vinyl fair, it would go on my own. This is so different to what I use to be like when I was younger, constantly out, going to gigs, staying over with friends etc. I have forgotten more than I can remember, a different time, a different life.

Some of my window cleaning clients, I would say are the closest I have to friends. That passing hello, quick 5 minutes of how are you etc., that is it.

To put a analogy to the way our household is, it is like a ship. Dodger is the ship, Angela is the Captain and I am the mechanic in the engine room.

Angela says “No, thank you” and makes excuses quite a lot when she is asked to go out with friends, not just because of Dodger, I know it is because of me. Whether it is because she feels guilty that I do not mates, pick a reason, it is probably that to.

Angela is a amazing Mum, I couldn’t have chosen better. She has devoted her entire life to Dodger and this disability Autism, not just being reactive, but proactive. We both want Samantha to have the best of a life that she can despite her disability. We may have different approaches to a situation, but in the end we have the same goal, make our Dodger happy.

Gold Luck

Matthew